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My husband of 7 years has been showing signs of being a submissive? bisexual. He has told me of his fantasies of being with a gentle man, this has become a constant with him to where he is even looking in single online locations for a man to explore with. I am confused as to what to do or how I should feel. I don't know if he looks at me as a lover or just his spouse, because he will not give me an answer. I do know that we do not make love as a man/woman married couple would, it is always coupled with the fantasy of him being with a man. Help, I need a man to complete me, and not sure as what to do...

PFLAG's Answer
Dear Friend, Thank you for contacting PFLAG. You are not alone in this situation. We actually received a similar email a few days ago. What we recommend is that you contact a group called the Straight Spouse Network that can be reached at They provide confidential information and support to spouses of LGBT or potential LGBT people. You should know that there are many factors that could prevent someone from being honest with their sexual orientation from where they live to what generation they are from to social/family/religious pressure. LGBT people have to oftentimes supress their feelings and try to fit in society per society's standards. Now thanks to the increased LBGT awareness, closeted LGBT are finding the courage to come out. Not only do they want to be true to themselves, but they want to be true to their wife/husband & family. We have a collegue here who got married and had 3 children before coming out in his 40's. He said he just couldn't accept that he was gay until much later in his life. As a young boy, he was taught that LGBT people were mentally ill. He tried to do the 'right thing'. He did fall in love with a woman and fathered children whom he loves dearly. But it came to a point where he couldn't pretend anymore. He never would purposely hurt anyone. In fact he is still in good terms with his ex-wife. Obviously, it was quite a shock for her. She found great support from the Straight Spouse Network. Your husband could be in a similar situation. He himself might not have yet acknowledged that he could be gay. Or maybe your husband is trying to live out some of his fantasies. By contacting the Straight Spouse Network, you'll get support from other women who have experienced similar situations. They'll advise you on how to talk to your husband and ensure that you stay strong. Good luck, - A Stay Close volunteer

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